You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
