Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
