Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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