He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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