I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
