Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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