apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I need to calm my uterus...
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
