I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
