i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
