Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
