You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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