I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
