barbara walters just said penis...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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