Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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