his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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