made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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