Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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