i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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