im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
