i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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