Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
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The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
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It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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