Your face is a jimmy john
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
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