When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
