I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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