Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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