Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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