i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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