i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Still dying that you shit outside
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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