I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
