i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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