you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
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I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
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I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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