I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
