**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
