I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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