Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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