He asked to "fluff my boner.."
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
