I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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