Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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