"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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