I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
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I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
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I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.