How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal