I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
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I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
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The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...