I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.