Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
