i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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