careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
He is an equal opportunity slut.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
