Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
