I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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