I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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