chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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