i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
