Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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