i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
