god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
