I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
