You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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