you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
