I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
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