Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I cockslap morals
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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