someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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