Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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