I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
